As wise person once said, “pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime. When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.” Though that may be the jingle for Bagel Bites, and it most certainly does not need to be on a bagel, I am a firm believer in the power and beauty of this life-changing and culture creating cuisine. If it wasn’t for pizza, where would society be today?
There truly is no other dish that is acceptable to consume at any and all points of the day. When going out for meals with a group, it tends to be the only thing that everyone can agree on eating. So, essentially it brings others closer together. Not to mention that nothing mends a broken heart, or an empty stomach quite like your own personal pizza pie. In fact, this amazing delicacy has even inspired my musical selection to the extent that two of my favorite songs are about it. For instance, “Pizza Butt” by MC Chris and “Gimme Pizza” (the slowed down gangster version) by the Olsen Twins.
To say the least, I am madly in love with pizza. In order to prove my love to the world, I took it upon myself to explore some of the pizza places that Portland, OR has to offer and share such experiences with you.
My rating: *****
Of all the pizza chains I have frequented, this one has NEVER done me wrong. The selection it has to choose from it superb, the food is always great, and it uses MASSIVE pepperonis. The staff is always friendly to the extent where a girl working there once threw in a free slice for me (BONUS POINTS). Though it may be a bit more money to eat there, it offers great vegan, vegetarian, and gluten free options. I highly recommend eating here as I have yet to find a reason not to.
My rating: ***
Probably the best way to describe this place is “meh.” I mean, the pizza is okay, but it’s definitely not the greatest. What is cool about this place is that it does have a “Pub and Grub,” where it acts as more of a bar too. The downfall with that is it also happens to be where the MTV Real World Portland cast worked, and I definitely wasn’t the biggest fan of that season. For the quality of the food, I feel that it is a bit overpriced. However, I do like the fact that they offer meal options and such. Not to mention, for the most part I have enjoyed the service I received. During my last visit to Schmizza, the guy helping us realized that he knew me and gave my friend and I a discount. So, that was cool.
My rating: ****
In regards to taste, this has to be my favorite pizza place. There are a lot of great options to choose from, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad food experience here. The food is beyond reasonably priced, and it even offers vegan, vegetarian, and gluten free options. For decor, this place has it nailed. I LOVE the Sizzle Pie sign and the comparison to the food pyramid painted on the side of the building. In regards to service, I really enjoy the people and atmosphere at the E Burnside location. But the last time I went to the W Burnside location, the girl working the front counter clearly hated being alive and wanted everyone to know that. Not that her bad attitude affected the quality of my food, but she still made me not want to go back. I mean, obviously I will but only after a decent amount of time has passed (this was a few months ago too). If it wasn’t for that girl, I would have given this place five stars.
My rating: ZERO STARS! WORST PLACE ON EARTH!
I’ve never had Hotlips pizza, and I never will for a variety of reasons. First of all, Hotlips should be spelt Hot Lips. Idiots. Second, I was going to go and try it one day until its delivery driver tried to kill me! I was INNOCENTLY crossing the street, thinking about pizza, when I came across an intersection. There was not a stop sign for the street I was on, meaning I had the right of way to walk. As I stepped off the curb, out of nowhere a Hotlips truck ran a stop sign and came at me full speed. Thankfully, I was able to dodge it but clearly was turned off from eating it. I sent a tweet to its Twitter account about what had happened, which went COMPLETELY IGNORED just like that stop sign. It’s very apparent that Hotlips doesn’t care about civilians or about handling bad public relations issues such as this. Ignoring the fact you almost MURDERED someone in cold blood does not make everything better, Hotlips. At least when I met Anthony Jeselnik backstage at his Portland show and he had Hotlips pizza on a table, he listened to me when I told him not to eat it. We kicked that crap on the ground!
Though I clearly have not covered all of the amazing pizza joints that Portland has to offer, I hope this helps with your future dining decision making. Stay tuned as I follow my stomach to more places, I’ll make sure to keep you filled in.